I don’t generally like to commiserate on the past (or do it publicly at any rate) but I spent a bit of time looking up old friends and schoolmates on Facebook and Livejournal and it’s left me feeling a little down.
Not necessarily because I’m sad that we didn’t stay in touch or whatever, for some especially I’m relieved that turned out to be the case. I’m mostly sad because I went to college for 4 years and I never had the experience that I so desperately wanted to have. The inside jokes, the all night hanging out sessions, and even going out for wings or whatever it is that kids go out for these days. Most nights in college I was either online, studying, watching TV by myself, or working. It’s sort of disheartening to know that those days are long gone and I somehow screwed them up. I try to think back at what I could have done differently to have changed it all but it seems as though I was just meant to not have had the typical college experience.
I guess the only thing that I can surmise from the entire ordeal is that I have absolutely no clue how to make friends anymore. I did just fine in high school but it seems once people were not forced to spend 8 hours a day in the same building as me, they didn’t bother to try and get to know me. Am I one of those people that only make friends in those circumstances? Do I have a radioactive shield that people need to acquire immunity to? Of course, there is always the entirely possible solution that Acadia was just not the proper breeding grounds for people that would more naturally gravitate toward me. But that reasoning just doesn’t add up for me. I wouldn’t really know unless I took a semester of undergraduate classes here in Texas. (It would certainly be a good way for me to meet new people.) It seems that I’ve always had a huge problem making and keeping friends. I always deduce that the problem is me – and then there’s always someone who says, “Oh, you’re great! Stop being so hard on yourself!” But why does the story never change? I can list off at least 5 large betrayals that I’ve dealt with from friends, without hesitation. I don’t know how to change to become more ‘friendable’.
I maintain close friendships with the people I was close with in high school, mostly because they truly care about me. But I can’t depend on them for the friendships that I need right here in person. Not only do they have their own lives and can’t spare every second for me (nor would I want them to) but I need people I can see and hear right in front of me to fill this void. I know that the past is gone and over and it’s not going to be changed. I can lament on how great it would have been to have been a part of something in college, but it won’t change the way things really were. I could contact the people I used to know and pretend that I’ve made it all better, when really it would just be on the surface and meaningless. I can’t change that – but what is most frustrating is it seems that as much as I want things to be different, they just aren’t. I’ve been wishing for this ever since the first day I moved away to university and the story remains the same.
Really, I’m not even sure why I’m typing this all out because I know it won’t fix anything. It’s sort of just a rant, and that’s how it’ll stay. It does feel good to get it out, but in a few weeks it’ll all wash over because I’ll have a random memory trigger, maybe a dream or run across something that will remind me of how crappy college turned out to be and how I’m utterly incapable of changing my course.
Tags: Rantings
I think Acadia may have been the problem, or maybe even the programs you were in. Maybe you just met those types of people who… only want to have 1 or 2 close relationships, and poo on everyone else. I don’t know; it’s always dumbfounded me that you meet the oddest, and usually meanest, people in university.
I’m glad that you realize you will always have a friend with your old high school chum. It’s so funny how that worked out- instead of making the best friends in university, you made them in high school. I can say this; it worked out well for me!