While watching Dawson’s Creek, I remembered a certain feature on their website, that they had while the show was in it’s prime (about seasons 3 and 4), and that is the summer diaries and desktops. Basically, if you had a speedy internet connection and a penchant for all things Dawson, you could read the characters’ “emails” and read diaries during the summer months when the series was in reruns land. (I do have a bigger point, and yes I’m getting to it).

I had my own summer diary on this site, one of which I had quite forgotten about until tonight.

If you should so wish to see it, it’s actually still up, even though I can’t update it (and have no idea what my password was anyways). The very first entry is the one that I thought of, and what started this whole rant.

Basically, something that was going on with my first love. Anyone who’s watched Dawson’s Creek knows the emphasis that is placed on soulmates (which I’ve touched on in an earlier entry) and first loves, and it got me thinking about mine. Particularly the time that the first entry in my Summer Diary was about. Essentially, these lines:

He wasn’t in a very happy mood last night. I kissed him, he broke away, and said, “Are you done yet??” *!!!* I couldn’t believe it. I was so hurt. I gave him a hug and got out of the van, what else could I do?

I remember that incident very clearly. For some reason I felt like talking about it tonight, and no one seems to be around on msn, so I’ll sound off here. I think that night was pretty early in the relationship, from the date. (After asking Cody, it turns out it was mere months after we started dating. It’s interesting that Mike and I hit 8 months yesterday and we have not had one single fight or mild disagreement, and within a few months both my past relationships were already damaged.) But it’s funny how just thinking about it, I remember how much my heart broke when he treated me that way. And it makes me glad that he broke my heart.

It took a lot for me to be able to accept that I don’t have to jump at the first guy that gives me the onceover, and that I don’t have to end up alone if I’m choosy. It’s a big step for someone that is insecure and afraid of being alone. Being able to break up with someone that wasn’t treating me the way that I deserve to be treated was a huge step in the right direction. So even though they were both painful experiences and I wish I could take some of it back sometimes, when you really think about it, I’m glad that I can’t. Because it took me here, with the most wonderful boy in the world.